Grandmothers Say the Funniest Things

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Me and Madea

Me:      Madea, you sleep?

Madea:            No, just lying here watching TV.

Me:      Can I watch TV with you and eat my chips and dip in your bed?

Madea:            Yeah. You’re not a baby. You’re not going to make a mess. Come on!

(Of course, I spilled salsa. Guess I’ll be changing sheets in the morning.)

Madea:            You’re hair sure is gray.

Me:      *blank stare*

Madea:            How old are you?

Me:      45.

Madea:            You don’t look 45. I guess black don’t crack. (lol)

Me:      (lol) What?

Madea:            How old is your mother?

Me:      I don’t know. I think she’s been lying ever since I met her.

Madea:            (lol) She dyes her hair, don’t she.

Me:      (lol) Every week!

Madea:            (lol) Not me. I’m just gonna let it be gray. When I came out of the hospital, my hair was snow white. So I said oh well, it’s just gonna be snow white.

Me:      No, I’m not dying my hair either. I can’t afford it. (lol)

Madea:            Where did you get that long hair from?

Me:      I got it from my mama.

Madea:            No, you didn’t! You got it from the McCraws. All of my girls have long hair.

Me.      You mean, HAD.

Madea: Well, they were born with long hair. What they’ve done since birth, I don’t know. (lol)

Me: (lol)

Madea:            Yeah, I’m letting mine grow.

Me:      Me too.

Madea: Yours is already long. And gray. (lol)

Me:      Why are you so fascinated with my gray hair?

Madea:            I’m not! I just remember when you were a baby and now you’re 45…with gray hair. (lol)

Me:      *blank stare*

Madea:            What’s that noise?

Me:      Rain and thunder.

Madea:            It’s still raining?

Me:      I think so. It’s not raining as hard as it was earlier. I think it’s just drizzling.

Madea:            Where’s Buddy?

Me:      Oh, he left.

Madea:            Oh, he left? When?

Me.      I don’t know. Pretty much after he put you to bed, I guess.

Madea:            Where’d he go?

Me:      I don’t know. Walking?

Madea:            *side eye* In the rain?

Me:      I don’t know. He said, “I’m gone.” I said, “Okay.” You know I don’t ask questions.

Madea:            Is that Frank coming though the door?

Me:      If you ever see Frank Jr or Frank Sr coming through any door in this house, let me know so I can get out of here! (lol)

Madea:            (lol)      I mean Buddy.

Me:      No, you must be hearing rain. The alarm is still on. No one is here but you and me.

Madea:            Oh, okay. Tomorrow I want you to take down my high heel shoes from the closet so I can try them on.

Me:      *blank stare* Okay. You wanna play shoe store? I’m the girl for the job!

Madea:            I know you are! You have on a different pair of shoes every day and a dress to match.

Me:      I know, right! If you wear the same shoes everyday, you need to examine your life and make some changes. I’m just saying. (lol)

Madea:            Go get me five grapes.

Me:      Five grapes?

Madea:            MY grapes!

Me:      (lol) Oh. Why?

Madea:            You’re eating chips & dip. I can eat grapes.

Me:      How you gonna eat grapes with no teeth?

Madea:            (lol) Go get my teeth and then go get my grapes.

Me:      (lol)

Madea:            Your mama took those grapes when she left, didn’t she.

Me:      Yes, ma’am, she did. She took the grapes, the strawberries, the blueberries, the orange juice, the spaghetti, the salad, and the salad dressing. Everything she walked in here with, she walked out with. (lol)

Madea:            (lol) I say!

(I was situated in the bed with my snacks. I really didn’t feel like getting up to get grapes

or teeth, so I changed the subject and hoped she would forget about it.)

Me:      Madea, remember when you left me home alone?

Madea:            *blank stare*

Me:      Remember when you used to babysit me? You went shopping and forgot I was in the back room and you left me. Oh, but you took Tika!

Madea:            *blank stare* (lol) You were always in Yolanda’s room, messing with her stuff. You were always so quiet, I forgot you were there. (lol) And when you in other people’s stuff, you extra quiet.

Me:      I remember Yolanda banned me from her room. How you gone ban me from a bedroom with no door? (lol) Please! I spent the whole summer trying on every article of clothing she had including her big ole bras. (lol)

Madea:            (lol)

Me:      I would read her diary and everything.

Madea:            You did? What it say?

Me:      It was so boring, I don’t remember. (lol) I kept waiting for her to do something exciting so I could read about it, but it never happened. (lol) Then when it was time for her to come home, I would put everything back like it was and sit on the couch like I had been there all day.

Madea: (lol) But she knew…cause I told her. (lol)

Me:      You ratted me out?

Madea:            (lol) Yeah! (lol) That was funny. Now, go get my grapes and my teeth.

Me:      *blank stare* Yes, ma’am.

Madea:            These grapes are not as sweet as the ones your mama brought.

Me:      Oh?

Madea:            Here, put my teeth back.

Me:      Yes, ma’am. Who’s coming over in the morning?

Madea:            What’s tomorrow?

Me:      Sunday.

Madea:            Linda, Brenda, Yolanda. I don’t know. Ask Buddy.

Me:      He’s not here, remember?

Madea:            *side eye* Oh yeah, he’s out walking. In the rain. (lol)

Me:      (lol)

Madea:            Just whoever shows up, I guess.

Me:      Cool, it will be a surprise. Especially if no body shows up. (lol)

Madea:            With all those kids and grandkids, somebody will show up.

Me:      If not, Uncle Buddy will be here.

Madea:            Yep. If he shows up from walking in the rain. (lol) You going to church in the morning?

Me:      Yes, ma’am.

Madea:            Don’t forgot to pray for me.

Me:      I won’t forget.

Madea:            How’s Earl?

Me:      *blank stare* Who?

Madea:            Earl.

Me:      Earl Campbell from the Houston Oilers?

Madea:            What? EARL!

Me:      I don’t know who that is.

Madea:            You know Earl. He was married and his wife remarried a white man and they go to Lakewood.

Me:      *blank stare* Who?

Madea:            EARL!

Me:      *blank stare* Oh! You mean Earl and Shirley!?

Madea:            Yeah, Earl and Shirley.

Me:      Well, Earl died a couple of years ago. I don’t know if he had been sick or if he passed suddenly, but it’s been a couple of years since his death.

Madea:            Oh. Earl died?

Me:      Yes, ma’am. But Shirley and her new husband, I think he’s Hispanic, are fine. They go to Lakewood.

Madea: How are her babies?

Me:      Her babies have babies! They are fine too. What made you think of Earl?

Madea:            I don’t know. We used to go to Rev. Dunn’s church together. That was many years ago, but I remember.

Me:      Oh. Well the next time I see Shirley, I will be sure to tell her that you asked about her and the kids.

Madea: *big smile* Okay

Me:      Alright, Madea, it’s late and I’m tired. Guess I’ll go to bed now.

Madea:            Me too. See you in the morning. Love you.

Me:      Love you too.

As I turn off the light and head to my room, I smile. This lady is hilarious! And I know that I am truly blessed to be able to spend this time with my grandmother.

One thought on “Grandmothers Say the Funniest Things”

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